Wednesday, July 27

Nubian Ambassador..

So I'm gonna get this out of my system in staying with the pen is mightier than the sword. With the hopes of release, cooling the flames burning within' me and easing my angst before I'm forced to draw.

I'm not an "Angry Black Woman" so don't start....Perplexed, Appauled and Aghast maybe, trying hard not to be angry but "For real?"

Somehow I have come to be the Ambassador to race relations amongst production Salt and Pepper. I was never offered the job. Didn't ask for it and most definitely don't want it....but I guess it's needed. And one of my blessings and curses is that I am to go where I'm needed and flee when I have outstayed the needy's "need" for me. But this is hard and as a I settle into this weird soul-less area called Los Angeles the "need" for a (sensible) Ambassador becomes more and more evident. I'm not qualified for the gig that hath been bestowed upon me. Why? Because I don't know how long I can stay calm and try to "peacefully join" or come to a "respectful" understanding for that which makes us (us being blacks &whites) different.

Pronunciation: 'pre-j&-d&s
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Latin praejudicium previous judgment, damage, from prae- + judicium judgment -- more at JUDICIAL
1 : injury or damage resulting from some judgment or action of another in disregard of one's rights; especially : detriment to one's legal rights or claims
2 a (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge b : an instance of such judgment or opinion c : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristic

Pronunciation: 'rA-"si-z&m
Function: noun
1 : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

How am I to respond to all the prejudices and racism I have been subjected to in my one year in Los Angeles? I have experienced every Webster given definition of... What is the proper way? Because I'm ready to flex my supposed physically superior frame on some of these silly caucasoids who habitually offend me at Yo or Hey Sistah (Hello works, biyatches.)

Who the F*&^ are you talking to like that and why? You are not Dian Fossey in the jungle trying to "relate" to a F*&^&% Gorilla (cause I know that's what you believe). You are speaking to another individual and yes I have on occasion been known to say Yo, and Word and I might slap a high-five to one of my sisters (meaning black or white female FRIENDS) but that is not the way you greet a random black woman walking into a company to do a job. Or maybe I should just go ahead and get with the... Me being inferior because of my skin color and affinity for watermelon, fried foods and dancing. The brainwashing is wearing off and I'm becoming too aware. I need more brainwashing drugs please. Purchase my screenplays so I can afford stronger medication. It's the only way, if I'm to march to this beat. Because I swear it's Yo this and Yo that and sister this and sister that. Calling someone sister (who's not of my mother's womb) or someone calling me sister (who's not of my mother's womb) is a privilege not a right. I choose my "other" sisters. DON'T F%$#ing call me sister unless we've already established a sisterly friendship, which we will never if you take this grace without permission.

And if one more person white, black, green or yellow refers to my hairstyle as braids, I deserve to get off for temporary insanity. There's not one braid on my head...NOT ONE....NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY....these are Dred Locs or Dreadlocks (if you prefer)....tiny hair follicles who have joined together to form a strong bond...let's take a hint from some hair follicles....they locked together and formed a bond so strong....I can't take credit for it....Forces beyond me have blessed this hair and I appreciate it. I hope one day a force beyond "our" control will bless "us" with some kind of strong bond cause' help is very necessary right about now. I can't even believe I'm forced in 2005 to address these things. I've written a screenplay about a black girl and white guy getting together and the usual crap that goes along...with a twist of course...I was told by several white people "Oh, that part of society is over." Yes... out here in the last year....It's been said to me more than once, how that part is over, not a big deal anymore.<-----them, backstroking in the river of Da'Nile.

I'm just going to give examples because folks who float in the river of Da'Nile need clear, concise examples. You can't beat around the.....

My first week here I go to a fourth of July party. I guess I should feel honored to be the "exception" but I'm sorry, I'm not. My life out here so far seems to be me proving I'm the exception to what all these protected white folks think all black peope are about...robbing, stealing, dancing, violence and weaves. I guess, I don't really know. I just feel and am most times told.

I didn't know I was proving these pre-judgements wrong, by just being me,(didn't really know I was expected to) but after a few drinks and once they realize I'm not going to pull out a knife and stab them and rob them, they feel comfortable enough to tell me how he was surprised I was there and how I 'm not like other black people..

let's pause on that thought for a minute.....

The one "unexposed to blacks" guy...told my face...that when I walked into the party he thought "A black girl, Why bother?" Why bother....I'm starting to feel the same way about the whole scene. He later explained how his previous dealings (now keep in mind this man lives in Santa Monica, CA) with black women were so negative, we seem to be so angry and walk around with chips on our shoulders. Well, I wonder why. I am one perceptive fool and I swear on a cow's tit, I felt that energy when I walked in and thought " I'll be here all of twelve minutes." I stayed all night, shut the party down because I love people and I'm not secretly thinking "Why Bother?" about someone I'm having a conversation with because if I'm secretly thinking it then I'm not going to engage in a conversation with you in the first place. I'll admit I have my prejudices and I have looked at a certain race and thought the same thing and do right now feel the same way but I don't think I'm particularly superior to this entire race I am just doing what I try to avoid doing and reacting to their treatment of me....I'm not going in to who exactly I'm talking about but man have I had some confrontations with these folks.

So that was one...This guy was great and I wound up liking him and I do appreciate the honesty (I'd rather know you are inclined to hate my guts for no solid reason than not know) but I have to admit it was disheartening. Talk about misunderstood. And does the fact that I don't particularly know all the words to all the Foo Fighter's songs mean I can't accompany you to a Foo Fighter's concert. One of my friends out here tested me on was a stipulation of attending an outdoor concert (one in which we had a smack ass great time.) He's one of my bud's and excused for his trespasses. I wouldn't ban someone from an Alicia Keys concert because they couldn't run down the track listing from her first album. I love exposing the unexposed to things I appreciate. It's called sharing. He is one of my best buds out here and has earned the right to call me "Sister" as I call him "Brother". The proper way. The "I managed to have a conversation with a black woman and not get my head chopped off" way.

I actually have a lot more examples but as I revisit, it really does bother me and I don't feel like piling past insults on top of ones that continue to happen each and every day I go to work. Damn I'll be glad when I don't have to do this day to day grind shit. It's much easier to gather peaceful thoughts of love and happiness for the world when you're not forced to deal with "the world" everyday. So I'm not giving anymore specific moments.

And please white people of Southern California, I know you love rap music and you are fascinated with our lyrics and lingo and lifestyle and want to observe it (nestled in the safety of your own community) and sing along and use Dave Chappellisms in the street...but.....if I'm in ear shot.....don't do it.....just don't do it to yourself. Because I don't give a damn how much money you make, what job you can offer me or how I might never work in this town again....I will .........long break.......Excuse the abrupt stop. I'm posting at work and I had to "work" for a that minute I picked up O magazine...browsed through and saw the article from her "LEGENDS" weekend...and it helped ease the put me back on the peace train... and back on the "I've been moving in the wrong circles" train. Things I'm most upset about......Dayna wasn't there and Whitney Houston's life choice in men and descent into (temporary)"insanity" has left her off the legend train (Whitney, you'll always be on my legend train..hold up the light). I mean...I would've been a waitress, a sous chef, a gardener, anything to get a hint of exposure to the energy at that lunch. Damn! Okay, Oprah, I'd like to attend the next one if not as a guest (which I'm working on) then as whatever. I'll dress up as Elmo if necessary. I suggest youpick up a copy of O magazine this weekend, wrap it in plastic and save it. I don't have a subscription to O. I keep reminding myself I have to get one but I do make sure I pick up an O magazine each and every time I have to buy a bunch of magazines for art references or for the client area on a production job...every single time. One of my best buds used the following phrase on someone in front of me and now I kill it "If you're not part of the solution, your part of the problem" love it and it's so I'm not going off on this white and black tangent. I don't feel like it. You all know the deal. It's just really evident out here in Southern California. Makes any racist or prejudice New Yorker I've had the displeasure of coming across, look like a quaker. And I just can't believe how segregated it is out here. I get it but I don't get it. But I will finish the thought on these people who think it's okay to call a black person a Nigger because Dave Chappelle uses it. You are not a comedian, you are a production tart and peace train or not if I hear of two things WILL happen....Lawsuit or I'll take the easier more gratifying way out and SCAIR you. Just sit and think about it for a minute. We possess the ability to greatly entertain we we're not put here for your entertainment.....Damn!
Oh... let me add how the black men I've come across out here seem to be dealing with the aggravation of asinine assumptions. It seems black men deal with this situation by believing in "empowering themselves through p^&&#. Conquering the world one white woman at a time. And it's not an observation made from jealousy...Lord knows I'm about loving who you love and liking who you like. It works out better for everyone. Maybe if these caucausoid mountain men would pause and stop making stupid assumptions about the unapproachable "black" me, they might have a chance to love who they love and like who they like. It's a sad state of affairs and so obvious because God knows I didn't think it was going to be like this. I had no idea and I don't walk into every situation believing I'm somehow going to be discriminated against. I wasn't raised in or around that kind of scene. Montclair High School is beautifully diversified. And the white folks in Montclair, New Jersey have a clear understanding that though we may have cultural differences....if a black woman and a white woman, walking down the street, both trip and fall in front of a bus....they will both bleed red blood and even if we did have different color blood..does that mean we can just be expected to take any kind of offensive and degrading thought a human can spit out. Smile and Nod, Huh?

So, I don't know who died and left me, Nubian Ambassador of Production, but I'll continue to hold the torch (a little longer) because yes one is needed and at times it's okay, but just remember you've been warned and some help from some other black women would be nice...but the ones I've come across who are "in the mix" seem to be missing much so that I can't be bothered. Missing what? Confidence is not coincidental. Will I raise my daughter in Southern California....possibly...her saving grace will be she is being raised by moi. me<-----Steeped in confidence....delusional or not I'd rather possess delusional confidence than none at all.
So, I just can't wait until I start to move in more comfortable circles, like with some former east coasters. Interesting people who love interesting people because they're interesting not because it takes their skin longer to burn in the sun....that'd be a nice scene for me. Hint, hint to some of my east coast friends and family members. The weather's really nice here. I'll scout out living situations for you and yours.

Hey, the pen might be mightier because I feel a smidge better.

SCAIR = snatching a chunk of hair from an adversary's head.

oh the yin and yang of it all....