He treated me to the full service scare - Corn Maze, Haunted House and Haunted Trail.
Now I think of myself as a pretty tough individual but boy oh boy and girl oh girl did I lose it.
My Step-Grandmother used to always tell me I was ass backwards because I felt safer in the street with hoodlums than in our house (with a security system) and I'll say on this day, October 26, 2006 over 20 years later....She is correct.
I'll take the evil I know, anyday, over monsters, ghouls, demons and the likes. Make believe, shmake believe. There is a line from Toni Morrison's book, Song of Solomon, it reads "What difference do it make if the thing you're scared of is real or not?" AMEN to that. If I jump out of a high-rise window trying to escape a make-believe monster, I'll still wind up scattered on the sidewalk.
So...We get there..... LATE. We get to the Haunted house and we're told...."The creatures are on a 10 minute break" You think that would help ease the fear, once you are told creatures have to eat and take bathroom breaks...but no, not at all.
First of all...If I ever go to another Haunted House or Cornfield, I need to go with a GROUP of people. It was just the two of us and because they were about to close...it was really just the two of us. I wasn't safe walking in front of him, I wasn't safe walking behind him. I wasn't safe jumping on his back. There was no safe haven. I needed one more body to sandwich myself between. It was outrageously horrifying to me. Opening doors and walking through different rooms with different horrible and bloody scenarios. Sometimes we'd hear moaning in the next room, so we'd know we were in for it and sometimes the creatures (dressed up teenagers, I'm sure) would come from behind.
It's amazing how a grown woman such as myself and a grown man such as my friend..we'll call him K for short, completely lost our senses in a Haunted House set up in the middle of a field on a College Campus. And the screaming....I hit notes I never thought possible and I really didn't realize how much I was screaming until K let me know about it. The screaming was innate..I couldn't stop.
I still can't decide which was scarier...the Haunted house or the Haunted Trail (in the middle of a cornfield). Actually, as I type this I realize, CORNFIELD! Mucho scary as hell. I mean, who wasn't horrified at the thought of " Children of the Corn" and a cornfield all by itself is scary enough. But add monsters, ghouls, fools with chainsaws and the memory of that screen ode to dysfunctional kids in a field and you've got the recipe for a FIRST CLASS HEART ATTACK.
And, I, of course was wearing heels (never wear heels) but when an invite comes in, ya gotta roll with the punches.
Punch 1 - Heels in a haunted cornfield.
The first scare was a big football playing looking child of the corn. And man for a big guy he chased me a longggggg time. Because when he jumped out, I went back to my days of high school as a 100 yard dash sprinter. The problem with me, is I am a sprinter. I am incapable of long distance running, apparently even when a 350 pound monster in blood drenched overalls chases me in a cornfield. K, who I wouldn't let out of my sight, went down as well and had the nerve to wave the ghoul on...telling him to go get her. Her being "eat my dust" Dayna. I was sprinting right out of his realm until ..BOOM..I took a hella dive. Here's some advice - Don't run with scissors OR in heels. And they were boots with heels, good solid heels, but I'm a flip-flop girl. So I went down.......hard. I'm not ashamed to say it. Jumped up caught my breath and took off running again (still trying to get the grass and dirt stains out of my favorite jeans.) There was no end to the cornfield and no end to the amount of creatures jumping out from behind the stalks.
Finally K, caught up, because I could no longer run. I even told a monster to just keep me. I mean it was really unbelievable. The deep, heartfelt horror of it all. The pain in my chest from screaming AND sprinting at the same time. They should add that to the Olympics roster - Horror sprinting. You have to run for 200 yards while screaming the whole time.
When we emerged from the horrifying haunted trail. We both were sore, it was like a horrifying work out at the gym. A "hurt so good" feeling. Crazy. I slept like a baby that night. Until I heard a noise in my kitchen around 4am. I'm certain it was a creature from the cornfield (grown world traveled woman here) but I can't be sure.
Eddie Murphy does a stand up joke about the difference between white and black people when it comes to being scared. He uses Poltergeist as an example.. A White family buys a new house, hears a ghost say "get out" and they invite other people over to come hear the ghost. A Black family buys a new house, hears a ghost say "get out" and they take the ghosts advice. I felt similar when I heard the noise/creature in my kitchen, I didn't get up and leave, but I sure as hell didn't get up and go investigate. I just moved the stungun closer to the bed and layered my sleepwear in case I had to escape through the window.
But after all of the fear, the running, the screaming, the busting of my ass, the staining of my jeans and so on and so forth....I had a slap ass good time. I really did. A horrifying and gratifying good time. But I'm not going back. No haunted houses and trails for at least 3 years. I mean the whole concept is brilliant! You walk in with your lips twisted in disbelief and you walk out humbled because you damn near wet your pants. Brilliant!!! Though I suspected I'd be an easy target, just didn't know the level of horror. And thank the Big God of little Fishes, I wasn't drunk or on any hallucinogenic drugs. I would've been featured on eyewitness news.
Thanks K-MAN. Let's have more fun, more fun!!!!! Oh, Halloween in West Hollywood. I haven't done that since I moved to California. I'm working that day, but I'm dedicated to making it. We'll see.
